God moves and actuates all in all, thus he moves and acts in Satan.
— Martin Luther
In my previous column I wrote about the Book of Job, Donald Trump, and God’s good servant Mike Pence. After complaining to his wife about how stressful it is for him to work for a man who stands against basic Christian ethics, Pence’s wife says: “Curse God and die!” Job’s friends condemn Pence for his self-righteousness, and he rends his suit and covers himself in ashes.
God hears Michael’s complaints, wants to respond, but he is too busy smiting evildoers. He has anointed Trump as America’s Messiah, so he deputizes him to reply.
Trump responds out of a whirlwind (chap. 38), made more intense by climate change. With a roar, Trump declares: “Gird up your loins like a man, I will question you, and you shall declare to me” (v. 3).
“Have I not produced the best economy the world has ever seen?”
“Have I not put immigrant children in cages for their own good, and as an example to others who might want to invade our country?”
“That’s great, Lord.”
“Have I not taught autocrats around the world to call ‘fake news’ on any accounts that question their leadership?”
“Yes, my Lord.”
“Aren’t I great for removing us from every multi-lateral agreement and leaving those wimpy countries in the lurch?”
“Good for you, Lord.”
“Have I not made your wish to make abortion illegal a real possibility?
“Yes, my Lord, that is wonderful.”
“Have I not earned the Nobel Peace Prize for becoming soulmates with Kim Jong-un?”
“Yes, of course, my Lord.”
“ Will not God crown me as King of the World in Jerusalem?”
“I can’t wait, my Lord.”
“Do you now have any complaints?”
“No, my Lord.”
Trump reminds Michael that it is God, not he, who is the cause of all his miseries (42:11), and God is now ready to reward his loyalty. He will receive 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 2,000 oxen, and 1,000 she asses (42:12).
When Michael asked where he could possibly to put all these animals, Trump answers: “There is lots of pasture land in Indiana where you come from.”
God’s final reward is to grant Michael’s wife 10 more children. When Michael responds that he will have to ask her, Trump cuts him off: “She will obey!”
And when Michael says that she might be too old, Trump reminds him: “Did not God make Sarah conceive in Two Corinthians? And besides, we need many more white children to make the American Reich great again.”
Lady Wisdom, described as God’s “delight” and as co-creator (Proverbs 8:30), arrives just in time. She assumes her rightful place in heaven, she consigns Trump to Sheol (far worse than impeachment), and she sends Michael back to Indiana to take care of all his animals.
Lady Wisdom repossesses Trump Tower and opens its doors to refugees with a preference for Syrians. The rooms at Mar-a-Lago are reserved for Central American families seeking asylum, and the golf course is opened to the public at nominal fees. The rest of Trump’s properties around the world are nationalized and repurposed for public use.
The Book of Job does not give Job’s wife a name, so the Goddess proudly anoints her as “Hillary.” She also rescinds Trump’s command that Michael’s wife have 10 more children, and she makes sure that the constant attack on women’s reproductive rights comes to an end.
The Goddess supports Ivanka Trump’s efforts to legislate federal maternity leaves, but makes sure that it is extended to three months and is fully funded. Finally, she commits herself to progressive politicians around the world who are campaigning to overcome millennia of patriarchal rule.