On the last Saturday before Thanksgiving, know that some people keep turkeys as pets.
What? Yep, you read right. This column has taken a hard left turn this week to discuss turkeys as pets.
For the record, I don’t like turkeys. I don’t like anything about them. And all the hoopla people make over turkey dinners for the holidays baffles me. There are so many other excellent choices for table fare than turkey.
Turkeys (wild and domestic) are ugly and loud. The tissue that hangs off their heads and neck looks too much like pathogenic lesions to me. The snood is that portion that grows off their forehead and extends beyond the beak. The part that covers the bird’s head like a hoody sweatshirt is called the wattle. The bumps in that skin are called caruncles which sounds way too close to “carbuncles” for me.
Oh, I know, the repulsive tissue has many important purposes like attracting a mate or cooling the bird off when it is hot. And other birds have similar tissues, too. But I suggest this specialized tissue is the reason that turkeys start off toward your table by getting their head detached with a hatchet.
Some sources say turkeys make excellent pets for the person with some acreage. They assert turkeys are “friendly and faithful.” As opposed to what, being mean and promiscuous? I don’t buy it. Check out some of the turkey-cohabitation-with-human videos on YouTube. They chase people. People that keep them as pets call this “following” you.
Male turkeys can be very territorial. They tend to use separate places to eat, sleep and eliminate. There are lots of videos of little kids getting chased by the “friendly” birds and running into the safety of the house with lots of unwanted stuff between their toes. Meanwhile, the turkeys are in their elimination spot laughing it up.
Turkeys tend to peck things when they are … well, seemingly for any reason they want. They are fast and I can’t imagine that eye injuries don’t result. Certainly, pet dogs seem bewildered by the bizarre avian behavior.
There are lots of people laughing in the background on the soundtrack of these videos. One presumes they are the owners, and all seem to have very strong southern accents. They seem to think it is funny when turkeys chase their family and friends, often jumping on them using their feet to tenderize the person. The screams some kids let out when being chased by a turkey ensures PTSD will be alive and well in future generations.
That same scream is one that military intelligence plays over and over on loudspeakers to provide psychological stress for prisoners at Guantanamo. A gobble then a scream, night and day for months. If you included the same sounds in a horror film, people would think you broke one of the last taboos in Hollywood production which is, “never kill the baby.”
Add to all this the fact that experts recommend that you provide pet turkeys with a “large shed” or “small barn.” Really? “The more space you give them to roost and wander, the healthier and happier they will be,” said one source. Well heck, why don’t you just give them the keys to your house and move somewhere where there aren’t any turkeys?
The big problem with owning a turkey is if you want to eat it is that they require a higher protein diet than they normally get if you want them to continue growing. Protein is among the most expensive feed ingredients in a ration. So overall, you save nothing.
Powell is the public information officer for the Washington State University College of Veterinary Medicine, which provides this column as a community service. For questions or concerns about animals you’d like to read about, email cpowell@vetmed.wsu.edu.
