Blackstone: It’s usually not good to cut ties to bonus parent

Q. I have a 9-year-old son from my first marriage. My ex-wife (from my second marriage) and I raised my son together for five years. We split up two years ago, but she is still in my son’s life and spends a few hours with him every week.

My new partner is resentful of even the smallest amount of time my son spends with her and demands that I no longer allow him to see her. She is really the only mom my child knows. Should I end my son’s relationship with his former bonus parent to make my new partner happy? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. To be absolutely clear, if the relationship is a loving one and benefits the child, your new partner is the one who should check her behavior. Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 4 is, “Bioparents make the rules, bonus parents uphold them.” That means it’s up to the parents to establish clear boundaries and it’s up to their partners to do their best to respect the rules that are in place.

Your son and his bonus mom had a relationship before your new partner came into the picture. If this relationship is positive, and helps the child to feel loved and secure, of course he’s going to want to continue to see her. If your child thinks your new partner is behind his not being able to see his bonus mom, he could take it very personally and it could undermine any relationship your new partner might build with your son.

Children have enough love to go around. You can see, it’s the adults who complicate things.

It sounds as if your new partner may be confusing your relationship with your ex to your son’s relationship with her. But she must understand that your support of the relationship is actually in your son’s best interest. Since she is the only mother your son has known, his bonus mom is a symbol of security and love in a turbulent time.

However, it might be time to do some soul-searching and possibly employ a little empathy (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7). Make sure you aren’t doing anything inadvertently to upset your partner. Are you overly friendly with your ex when she is around? Do you bring up “old times” or refer to things in a way that could make her feel left out?

New partners often fear their partner still loves their ex, even though most partners will tell you it’s just not true. When someone loves you, she can’t understand why someone else might not. So, no matter how much you deny that the basis of your support of the bonus mom/bonus son relationship has anything to do with you, her insecurity might be telling her something else.

Unfortunately, a new partner trying to prevent interaction with an ex rarely prevents any reconciliation. It does, however, put lots of pressure on new fragile relationships, and when pressure is applied to something fragile, it usually breaks. Your new partner is playing with fire.

Finally, a note about bonus status. You referenced your ex-wife as your son’s former bonus mom. Bonus is forever. If he wants to continue to use it even after a breakup, that’s perfectly fine. Bonus describes how you feel about someone. It’s not dependent on marital status.

A divorced bonus mom is still a bonus mom if you want her to be.

That’s good ex-etiquette.

Blackstone is a child custody mediator, author and founder of Bonus Families. She may be contacted at jann@bonusfamilies.com.

TNS