‘Poisoning the blood of our country’ on Inauguration Day

“Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here at my second presidential inauguration, although, technically, this should be my third because I won the 2020 election. In a landslide. Everybody knows it.

“This could be the last presidential inauguration we ever have in this country because my administration is planning to have its wicked way with Lady Liberty. That’s right, she’ll be working under me in a variety of positions and, later this year, she’s gonna have my baby. I will call it Trumpelstiltskin.

“By the time I’m done, there will be no distinction between my business and America’s business. Not a sliver of daylight. Somebody’s gonna make a lot of money in the next few years and I’ll let you in on a little secret: It won’t be you.

“Another thing when I get back to the White House, I’m gonna pardon all the Jan. 6 rioters, er, patriots because they didn’t do anything wrong. OK, they were fighting against police, but they were fighting for me. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong at all.

“Although they’re serving long prison sentences for the Jan. 6 attack, er, celebration, the leaders of the Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers will receive full and unconditional pardons. They are true American patriots, so I will make them co-chairs of the federal task force on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.

“And that guy who beat a police officer with a flagpole carrying the Stars and Stripes? You gotta love that guy — I mean, the irony of it — so I’m gonna make him chief of the Capitol Police. #BashTheBlue.

“Of course, I will continue to threaten judges, prosecutors and anyone else who tries to hold me to account. I’m the only convicted felon ever to win a presidential election, so let’s get something nice and sparkling clear: The rule of law is for suckers and losers, not people like me.

“If Republicans in Congress roll over like they’re supposed to, I’m going to sign the biggest tax cuts you’ve ever seen. Big beautiful tax cuts for my beautiful billionaire friends and it will balloon the national debt like you wouldn’t believe, but that’s OK because I’m pretending to be a conservative these days, and Republicans only care about deficits when there’s a Democrat in the White House.

“You can’t make this stuff up! I should know because I ran up the national debt more than anyone in history during my first term.

“The economists — what do they know, anyway? — the economists say expanding my 2017 tax cuts will add another $5 trillion to the national debt, which is a drop in the bucket compared to what I’ve got planned, so hold my beer and watch this!

“I’ve got big plans for the next four years. For starters, I’m planning to give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to anyone who makes a million-dollar donation to my legal defense fund. I gave one to Jim Jordan, and that was a mistake because he hasn’t paid me a dime. So from now on, it’s cash on the barrelhead if you want a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

“I gave one to the widow of a Las Vegas casino owner who gave me a lot of money before he died. I said the Presidential Medal is sooo much better than the Congressional Medal of Honor, because those go to soldiers who — and these are my exact words — ‘... are either in very bad shape because they’ve been hit so many times by bullets, or they are dead. She gets it and she’s a healthy, beautiful woman.’

“Speaking of healthy and beautiful, I want you to take a good look at me. Go ahead, don’t be shy. I look at myself in the mirror all the time.

“When I put my hand on that big, beautiful Trump Bible for the oath of office, I was the oldest person ever to do so. I’m almost 79 and seriously overweight, and any day now my doctor could say, ‘Mr. President, you’ve got a terminal disease and have only a year to live, two at the most.’

“That would be horrible for me, but it would be even worse for you. I mean, who wants to live in a world without me? So I’ll start a nuclear war and obliterate the planet, just to save you from all that loneliness and despair.

“Don’t bother thanking me. You’re welcome.”

Brock has been a Daily News columnist for more than 22 years. He has lived on the Palouse even longer.