OPINION: The hollowness of symbolic masculinity

When I recently chaperoned my son’s ice-skating event, one of the other dad’s outfits caught my attention: At a play day for 6-year-olds he wore a hoodie with a picture of an AR-15 round captioned, “Just the tip, I promise.” Never mind how essentially incoherent the message. (Is he threatening gun violence while also pleading for sex?) The question is: Why would a grown man feel the need to publicly advocate gun violence and misogyny?

I believe there is a strong correlation between such overt demonstrations of “masculinity” and an underlying insecurity about one’s manhood. “The bigger the truck, the smaller the penis” is practically a cliché (especially when the truck has rubber testicles on the hitch). But performative masculinity also includes things like overeating, alcoholism, bullying, misogyny and an obsession with guns and violence. A man who is sure of himself and his manhood doesn’t need to hide behind a weapon, or to dominate someone weaker, or make other such outward demonstrations because only what’s in doubt needs to be proven. Men like the father at the rink aren’t trying to convince anyone else of their manliness; they’re trying to convince themselves.

I don’t fault manly pursuits per se. I, too, own firearms, enjoy a good steak, lift weights, work with tools and practice martial arts. It’s the performative masculinity — the belligerence posing as strength — that I criticize. If the “alpha males” online are as confident as they say, why are they so desperate for validation? A needy manhood seems like the least masculine thing imaginable, but for a lot of men, it’s all they’ve got. I don’t think most women today are fed up with men so much as the childishness and aggression that pass for manliness. It’s pathetic what a low standard most men hold themselves to.

Of course, such behavior doesn’t arise in a vacuum. As I wrote in October 2022, men no longer have a unique and valued role in our society. Anything a man can do, a woman can as well — even eating steaks, shooting guns, playing video games and, well, having sex with women. The cultural niches once exclusive to men — financial and career success, military service, political leadership, physical strength, competitive sports — are now open to everybody, and many “manly virtues” are now seen as toxic.

This is progress. The subjugation of women is a cultural relic that needs to die. But, as the patriarchy of old began to decay, nothing rose to take its place, leaving modern men adrift. Right when men needed a new role, and new role models, our fathers abandoned us en masse to fend for ourselves. If men today don’t know how to act like men, it’s because no one ever taught us. With no models of healthy masculinity or path to maturation, many men remain stuck in a juvenile masculinity defined by selfishness, belligerence, irresponsibility, boastfulness, violence, crudeness and penile fascination (often expressed with firearm proxies).

Because manhood is no longer something that can be legitimately earned — what with our lack of rituals, standards and unique roles for men — many instead cling to a manhood defined by genitals and chromosomes. By this thinking, manhood is not something one achieves but rather something certain people are entitled to, which is why so many men are deeply threatened by transgenderism. The very existence of men born without male genitalia threatens this last bastion of definitive manhood and leaves not one single thing that is unique, yet universal, to men. “Man” has become an identity with no objective foundation.

The best men throughout history were marked by strength, honesty, integrity, boldness, humor and intelligence. They protected their communities and brought order. (Well, except when they were starting wars.) But the isolation and individualism of the modern era have left most men with no community to serve. Moreover, masculine virtues like strength, confidence, virility and competitiveness, left unexpressed, fester and become toxic. So, men who lack a deep inner strength and sense of self inevitably resort to violence to assert their significance and unleash their resentment on a world that doesn’t want them. The impulse is: “If I can’t make you love me, I can still make you fear me.” Which is probably also on a hoodie somewhere.

And, you know, if you gathered and aligned enough of these pissed off, directionless men — men desperate for purpose, identity and community — why, I bet you could take over a whole damn country. Something to think about.

Urie is a lifelong Idahoan and graduate of the University of Idaho. He lives in Moscow with his wife and two children. You can find his writing on Substack (hopeanyway.substack.com) or you can email him at ryanthomasurie@gmail.com.