His View: ‘Dear Leader of American GOP needs all your money’

Note: The 2024 presidential election is looming into view and political robocalls are ramping up. What follows is the transcript of a voicemail I received earlier this morning. You won’t believe what this guy had to say!

“Greetings, American Patriot! My name is Ivan Scammervitch and I am calling from the Kremlin with important news!

“As you know, Dear Leader of American GOP has been found guilty of many frauds by Deep State. The university fraud of his own name. The charitable foundation fraud of his own name. The fraud of inflating business assets to get better interest rates for loans. Many frauds, yes, and more coming, but all FAKE NEWS.

“Anyway, Dear Leader must — how you say? — pony up hundreds of millions of dollars before he can appeal horrible court decision. Of course, hundreds of millions of dollars is pocket change for Dear Leader, who is most successful businessman of all time, in history, forever. He could root around in cushions of his sofa and find many hundreds of millions of dollars, but that’s not the point.

“The point is Dear Leader needs you, No. 1 American Patriot, to show your slavish devotion, er, your commitment to freedom and liberty by making large cash donation to presidential campaign/legal defense fund. If you have to empty your retirement fund, that’s OK. If you have to sell your house, that’s OK too. The important thing is to give all money to Dear Leader.

“There are many reasons for you to do this. First one, he has been reduced to peddling sneakers, which is beneath him. For another thing, he is God’s gift to humanity, right up there with Jesus, and he is being treated just as badly.

“Listen to me, American Peasant, er, Patriot. Strong leadership of great nation like America requires strong man like Comrade Putin of Russia or Chairman Xi of China. These are genuine strong men whose opponents hurl themselves out of windows, or crash airplanes, or eat the poison because they know they cannot be friends with No. 1 strong man.

“Your Dear Leader of American GOP is more stronger than all other strong men of world’s great despotic countries. In fact, he is not just leader of American GOP – he IS the American GOP. Whatever he wants instantly becomes Republican Party policy. All he has to do is think it and — shazam! — it is official policy of GOP. It is the same for de-classifying secret documents: Just think it and — BOOM! — done.

“Great minds think alike, so if Comrade Putin wants Russia to destroy Ukraine, then Dear Leader of America wants same thing. Monkey see, monkey do.

“Your Dear Leader has unique management style called ‘chaos theory.’ He hires only the best people, then fires them after short time. If elected, he promise to fire at least one Cabinet secretary every week. If elected to third term — hey, it could happen — he promise to declare war on Canada.

“If you are lucky, Dear Leader could be elected many times for president of America. Just look at Comrade Vladimir Putin, who is BFF with American television man Tucker Carlson. Comrade Putin is our Dear Leader, and he has been No. 1 strong man in Russia for many, many years.

“Now do the math: Tucker is good, da, and Vladimir is good, da, and Dear Leader of American GOP is amazing good. Da! Da! Da! That’s three aces, right there.

“So why are you waiting? Empty your IRA, sign over your 401(k), and put your pension in the pot for Dear Leader. He is most successful businessman of all time, so he doesn’t need your money, but you should give anyway because Deep State is making many frauds on him.

“Now then, American Patriot, are you still listening? Today is funny day because it is Leap Day of the Leap Year, and that is funny because it only happen one time every four years. Do you know another funny day that only happen one time every four years? That’s right, presidential election day! Many funny things happen on election day.

“This year, American GOP need to put Dear Leader back into White House. Otherwise, he will go to Big House, and that is no place for a man of wealth and taste.”

Brock has been a Daily News columnist for more than 20 years. He has lived on the Palouse even longer.