Driving through Moscow recently I saw a car with a single bumper sticker that read “Go Home” next to a crossed-out silhouette of California. I know that “Screw California” is Idaho’s unofficial state motto, but for whatever reason this bit of snark forced me to ponder just how much we now define ourselves by what we hate and seek meaning in attacking perceived enemies.

The “culture wars” have become the culture.

I am thoroughly guilty of stoking these fires. When a recent letter to the editor ridiculed my column, the mature thing would have been to brush it off. Instead, I lashed out, mocked the letter writer, and did my best to put him in his place. It was petty and stupid. Just in case Kirk Koefod still reads my column, I want to apologize. Cleverness is no excuse for cruelty.

Larry Kirkland provided an even more thorough (and, I’d argue, baseless) critique of my column. Again, I set to work crafting an acerbic response full of searing insults. Fortunately, this time I had the good sense to let my wife read it first, and seeing her look of bemused disappointment, I deleted it without sending.

Larry and I don’t agree on much, and while I have serious doubts about his sources, I don’t doubt the sincerity of his convictions. I suspect he’s a decent person and that we’d get along fine if we met in person. It’s just so easy to lash out from behind a buffer of anonymity. Yet, it’s also cowardly, petty, and futile … and a bad habit I’ll be working to kick. While no argument is above scrutiny, we should all feel free to share our perspectives without fear of being shamed for it.

Strange as it is for an opinion columnist to say, arguments are rarely worth the winning. Moreover, “winning” is typically an illusion held by both parties, who only become more entrenched by having their views challenged. Can anyone outside of politics, the media, or other attention-based pursuits honestly say they’ve benefited from the culture wars? What do we have to show for these years of incessant strife? More importantly, what has it cost us? Our sense of security? Political stability? Trust in our fellow Americans? Perhaps, eventually, our democracy itself?

War is a game nobody wins. All sides just lose and lose, suffer and suffer, until there’s nothing left to destroy. We’ve all lost the culture wars. There is no victory to be had. And at this point, we can either choose to keep suffering, or we can choose to listen.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once wrote, “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” We only hate because we fear and only fear because we fail to understand.

If we could truly experience one another’s thoughts and feelings for even a few minutes, if we could realize that everyone is scared, I believe our compassion would awaken and we’d remember that there are far more important things at stake than winning political arguments. Just imagine what this country could do if we were all pulling in the same direction.

It’s easy to say that we should renounce hatred and make peace with our enemies. Actually doing so is a lifelong practice, the kind from which saints are made. But as hard as it can be to understand where our enemies are coming from, we can start by renouncing the hyperpartisanship that makes it morally suspect to treat our opponents as human beings.

A shred of humility in our political discussions would also go a long way, as would the simple admission that much of what we argue about is not factual but merely a difference in experiences and values. Two people can see the same situation differently with neither being thereby deplorable. Having misguided beliefs and bad ideas does not make a person bad.

We’re all doing the best we can. A little patience and compassion will do far more to heal our nation, and our souls, than one more clever missive.

Urie is a lifelong Idahoan and graduate of the University of Idaho. He lives in Moscow with his wife and two children. You can find his writing online at Medium (hopeanyway.medium.com) or Substack (hopeanyway.substack.com) or email him at ryanthomasurie@gmail.com.